Tug Of War
Last weekend Luke and I went home to Toledo, Ohio, where I was raised, to spend a weekend with my parents and friends from home. Whenever I go home I feel an internal struggle that is hard to make sense of.
Let me explain.
My friends and family at home are married, own homes and are on the cusp of having children. My friends here in Chicago are independent, single and get totally freaked out by the idea of settling down….especially in the dreaded SUBURBS!
I feel somewhere in the middle.
My whole life I’ve always said I wanted to live a fast-paced, city life with no obligations except to travel, have fun and push myself to open as many doors as possible. And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the past four years.
Since meeting Luke though, I can feel my priorities shifting. I no longer have a desire to be “go, go, go” all the time. Instead I’d love to have more of a settled lifestyle that involved family cookouts, dinner with other couples, and a home-base larger than 900 sq. ft.
In some ways I still feel really young & free and in others I am ready for a slower-paced, settled lifestyle.
When do you know when it’s the right time to “grow up” and tackle the next phase in life?
Great post about being honest with your feelings. It will be interesting to see what feedback you get.
First let me warn you, though. Settling down and having a family definitely doesn’t mean a slower pace. In fact, I would argue that in some ways it’s an even faster pace as you try to keep up with all the many activities that your kids will want to get involved in.
My wife and I waited five years after we were married to have our first child. We spent that time traveling and doing lots of things that we knew would be more challenging to do with young kids in tow.
Once our oldest daughter came along, our priorities did change and, yes, we were tied down more to home for a few years. However, as our girls (now 8 and 5) have grown up, we are now busier than we ever were when it was just the two of us.
Enjoy being newly-married for awhile and do lots of things with Luke. As kids come along, you’ll find that it’s easy to let the two of you take a backseat to the needs of the kids, so it’s important to keep your relationship strongly intact to survive the trying nights of no sleep that are bound to come with kids.
However, you also don’t want to wait forever to have kids because no one really wants to be the 60-year-old parent at a high school graduation. :)
You’ll be a great mom when the time comes!
Great question. And, I think that you are smart and ahead of the game – as things truly seemed to shift for me once Jack came into the picture. There’s a lot to be said for the good old simple life we grew up with… I never thought I’d be yearning to live in suburbia like I do now.
Don’t get me wrong… having a baby in the city is really great. But, as Jack gets older I see us too heading to the burbs! As for those first years we were married sans child – I thought it was great to live in the city and choose weather we were going to make it a home night – or head out. Even now, I feel pretty lucky to grab a sitter from time to time, hail a cab and have a pretty awesome city right outside my door. Now don’t get me wrong. Fewer stairs, a real garage and a driveway also call my name daily!!!
Thanks for the great comment Dave!! Definitely hear you on life getting even more hectic with kids. It’s sometimes hard when you’re without kids to think realistically about how much your life will change.
I think people my age struggle with this a lot…there’s people who advocate for being single or without kids for a long time and then there’s others who warn you not to wait TOO long, or else it might be even harder.
I love getting the different perspectives though.
Great post, Liz! It’s so great to hear about things that others go through, many of the same struggles I deal with! Many times I wonder if we made the move too soon to go to a smaller city, but then I remember that I still have more than enough opportunities to be “go, go, go” here and be more than overly committed to things outside of work and at work! I think when the timing is right, you will know. There will definitely be things that will lead you in the right direction. I feel the same way when I go home to my parent’s house, as many of my friends are having kids now, and REALLY settling down. We have a house, and for right now that’s more than enough commitment for me! I agree with you on the family cookouts, more square footage and couple dinners. They are definitely a good time, and we love that benefit of having a bit of a slower paced life. Looking forward to continuing the journey with you!
Lara- I hear you! Some nights I’m so grateful to live in an amazing city, and others I wish I was sitting on my parent’s back deck eating my dad’s ribs. It’s hard to find the best of both worlds!
Angela- Thanks for commenting. We’re both in almost the exact same stage in our lives, so it’s great to get your POV. I think you’re right about starting with a house before kids and how fun things like dinners, game night ect can be.
You put into words the last year of my life! We decided to head to the burbs and get settled before starting a family. 6 months as a suburbanite and loving it! It was a huge change at first, but I’ve found so many new interests, like gardening, that I would have never done in the city. I also have the option of staying in the city after work for dinner and drinks and heading down on the weekend to stay with my girlfriends. It is nice to hear that others are in the same situation! Can’t wait to see where life takes you & Luke. Maybe to Wheaton…
You will know once you are preggers