It’s true! I am officially taking the plunge into full-time-mommy hood.

Even before Lila was born, I had a lump of worry in my stomach regarding whether I would continue to work or stay home with her. Those closest to me assured me that once she was here, I would know what I wanted to do. Either I would feel like there was no way I could be away from her or I would feel like I couldn’t wait to get out of the house.

Yeah, well that realization never hit. In fact, after she was born I was more confused than ever. On one had I was obsessed with my new baby. But on the other, those first three months are a lot of mind-numbing repetition and isolation.

After nights of worrying about what to do, I decided to return to work and give it a few months so I was making a decision based on the reality of our situation and not the stresses of adjusting to day care, pumping at work etc. That was in February.

Throughout the months back at work, it became increasingly clear that what we were doing was just not sustainable. You see, both Luke and I commute 45 minutes (in opposite directions), Luke travels internationally twice a month (leaving me a single mom), we don’t have much family nearby to help (just Luke’s brother) and our nanny (who we found at a much lower rate than typical for our area) is moving abroad in August.

Our day-to-day life looked like this: Lila was away from her parents for 10 1/2 hours a day, we only spent about 45 minutes with her before bedtime each evening and the rest of our time home was spent getting ready to do it all over again the next day. We were tired and stressed out.

After some sleepless nights and a few breakdowns, I followed my gut and decided to quit my job to stay home with Lila full time. Thankfully we are blessed to be in a financial situation where we can afford for me to be at home. We are also moving to Reno so Luke’s commute will only be five minutes vs 45 minutes, so his daily quality of life will be much better.

Once the decision was done, I finally felt peace in my heart, which told me it was the right one for us.

Heading into this new stage of life, I am both really excited and slightly terrified.

On the excited front,  I am looking forward to being able to spend more time together as a family now that we aren’t commuting so long. I am happy be with Lila all day. Plus I won’t miss any of her firsts. And generally, I’m looking forward to living life for awhile … getting back to things I used to love to do but had to give up because I spent so much of my time working, like playing volleyball or acting.

On the terrified front, I am scared that by quitting my job, I am losing a part of myself. I am a dork in that I genuinely like my job. I am good at it and I like the fulfillment I get from excelling in the office. Taking time away may mean I permanently end my career, which I don’t want to do.

Also, this may sound odd, but I don’t want to totally lose my identity to motherhood. I don’t want to just be “Liz, Lila’s Mom.” Does that sound bad? Finally, I fear that I will be lonely and isolated being home with her all day. Especially since we’re moving to a city where I don’t have any established friendships.

I’ve decided to use this next year as a test of sorts, to see if I’m cut out to stay at home. I am hoping to find a work situation that I can do from home, part time (so if you know of any social media/marketing gigs like that, let me know!). My plan is to get into a routine as quickly as possible, with set activities I do with Lila every day of the week so we are getting out – like joining a moms group, story time at the library and parent/baby swim lessons.

Finally, I am going to carve out some time for myself. One day a week I plan to volunteer with Hospice, I am going to get serious about learning to golf, I’m going to do Dailey Method twice a week (on-site daycare!) and I found a volleyball league I can do one night a week. I am not going to feel bad about doing things for myself either … a happy mommy makes for a happy family, right?

Every time the anxiety about my new role creeps in, I remind myself that this opportunity to soak up Lila’s baby years is a great blessing. And that I never want to live my life based on fear of change and the unknown. Plus, if I find myself going crazy at home, nothing is permanent.

I start this new adventure next week and will surely blog about my transition along the way. I fully expect it will take some time to get settled into a new groove, so thank you in advance for your support and encouragement.

Update:

I knew writing this post could be controversial considering all the SAHM vs Working Mom media buzz. And someone close to me called me out on a few things in this post (rightfully so).

First, I wrote that I was happy I could “parent Lila myself.” This was a little misleading. I don’t mean AT ALL that daycare moms aren’t “parents.” More that there were things they do at Lila’s daycare that I didn’t like (like rocking her to sleep vs. letting her put herself down) that I am looking forward to being able to do my own way.

Also, I don’t mean to infer that moms who use daycare or nanny’s are “missing” parts of their kids lives. It was just for us, with our long commutes, the time away was stretching to 10 hours or more, which I didn’t feel comfortable with.

Please know that I have MASSIVE respect for all moms – working or staying home. Both jobs have their sets of challenges and rewards. I admire any mom who can find a happy balance between their work and home life. :)

When I was a little girl, people would often ask me what I wanted to be when I got older. Depending on my age or interests, the responses varied  - an actress on broadway, a professional volleyball player, a city girl living in NYC. One response that always stayed with me though was … “I want to be a mom.”

I’ve just always known that motherhood was the key to unlocking my full happiness. Something about the notion of having someone to love and care for, who will love me completely as well felt right in my heart. I couldn’t wait to see what my kids would look like, what their personalities would be and who they’d grow into.

The day we brought Lila home from the hospital was one I will always remember. I took her down to her nursery to show her the tree, crib and pictures we had lovingly hung for her. Then I sat in the rocking chair, held her to my chest and began to sing a lullabye.

“A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you’re fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartache. Whatever you wish for you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come shining through…”

I couldn’t quite finish before I choked up and began to cry. It dawned on me as I was singing this song to my sweet newborn baby that my dream had in fact come true … I was a mommy.

Since then, motherhood has been everything I dreamt it would be and so much more. I’ve said this here before, but just being around Lila fills me with happiness. Before her I felt like I was constantly looking for the next thing … a new home, a new city, a new job . But now that she’s here I feel completely content.

Mother’s Day this year – my first as a mother – was another special day (one of so many this year). I spent the day with Luke and Lila. Taking it slow. Enjoying food together. And ending with me carrying a sleeping Lila to bed. It was lovely.

Of all the dreams I have for myself in this lifetime, the most important to me is to be the best mommy I can and to cherish the simple moments with my family. Even if I do nothing else besides be a good mother, I will leave this world fulfilled and at peace.

I hope you all had a wonderful Mother’s Day!

Sadly we’re back from vacation. Those first days back to work are always the hardest, right?

We had a terrific time with my family in Palm Desert. I quickly realized however that vacation means something different than it used to now that I’m a mom. Lila had no trouble transitioning to a new place for the week, but the whole “lets sit at the pool all day” thing sort of gets derailed when you have a baby that needs shade, mild temperatures and a place to nap.

So our days ended up being more like wake up, play with Lila in the condo, let her nap, go for a walk, play on the deck, let her nap and around 5pm, when the sun is lower, going to the pool for a dip.

This was Lila’s first time in a pool ever. At first she was a little skeptical and didn’t like the coolness.

But flash forward a couple days and she LOVED the pool. She’d get a huge smile and squeal with glee whenever we took her in. She especially thought it was hilarious when her dad would go underwater and blow bubbles.

We had a  blast making memories together in the pool. I was pleasantly surprised that the pools at the Marriott time shares were all salt-water vs. chlorine. I felt better about having Lila in salt water vs. chemicals.

At night, ones the babies were asleep, the adults in my family sat out on the deck playing the most hilarious game on earth – Cards Against Humanity. I seriously have never laughed so hard in my life. This is a game perfect for families who don’t hold anything back … I’m warning you now, things can get uncomfortable if yours isn’t like that!

The other really special thing we did was take family photos as an anniversary present to my parents (celebrating their 35th!). I arranged for Ann Keen, a photographer in the area to meet us at our condo to capture our family.

Didn’t these turn out fantastic? I’m thinking I’ll use the last one for Lila’s baptism invitation coming up in June.

There’s so much more I could tell about our vacation. But this post is long enough. The main point I want to get across is that I just love my family and am so happy we got to spend an entire week together.

Tomorrow we leave for vacation – woohooooo! We are spending the week in Palm Desert with my parents, siblings and their families. Lila is going to get to hang out with her two cousins – Mabel and Reagan. The trip is to celebrate my parent’s 35th wedding anniversary.

We are staying at my parent’s time share in the JW Marriott. And I can tell you now, these are the two places where you can find me.

The current itinerary includes: sleeping in, eating a lot, catching rays, hitting golf balls, playing with babies, reading books, shopping, spa appointments while the daddy’s watch the babes and playing games/cards well into the night. I can’t wait!

I also set up a photographer to come capture our family in photos so we can all have more recent images to put around our homes. I can’t wait to see the photos and share them here with you.

When you live far away from family, these reunions are much more than just a vacation. They’re a chance to reconnect, celebrate and make memories with the people you care about most. A chance to fill up my “relationships” part of my soul.

I’ll probably be quiet the next week, but will report back once we are home. I hope you have a great week while I’m away!

Dear Luke,

Three years ago today, I made the best decision of my life. I married you.

Before we said “I Do,” I had heard that the first years of marriage were some of the toughest, that marriage was “hard work,” and to expect the butterflies in my stomach to fade with time. But obviously, the people who told me that didn’t know you very well. If they had, they’d understand that life by your side would be anything BUT “hard work.”

You are the kindest person I have ever met. You listen … like really listen. You always give people the benefit of the doubt. You understand how to live with gratitude and to be happy with what you have.

All the time I have girlfriends comment that they can tell you adore me. I always smile and say that I adore you just as much. And it’s true. I feel so lucky to have you in my life.

While many 31-year-old men hold making money, partying with friends, achieving power or driving their personal goals first, you have made it your #1 priority to bring harmony and happiness to our family. And you’re killing it. Our house is peaceful and our lives are filled with joy.

I know we said no presents this year, but I have to say thank you for your role in giving me the greatest present ever … becoming a mom to Lila. Sometimes I look at her and I can’t believe we created something so perfect.

Watching you become a father has been incredible to witness. Beyond changing diapers, washing bottles and giving baths, you shower Lila with devotion and a gentle, accepting kind of love. I don’t tell you this enough, but you are an amazing father already.

When I think about the future I want for Lila, one of the main things I hope she finds is a life partner who loves her the way you love me. She’s going to have a head start after having you for a daddy, because growing up surrounded by your love will teach her that she’s worthy and deserving.

If the first years of marriage are indeed some of the hardest, then I think we’re set up to have one of those epic love stories you hear about. And even when (if?) we run into roadblocks in our relationship, I promise to trust in our love and ride through the storm, because I know what waits on the other side is something I never want to lose.

Happy three year anniversary. I love you!

Liz

Pretty much ever since having Lila, my sleep has been bonkers. Not in the way you would expect. I’m actually getting a lot of uninterrupted sleep thanks to my baby who has slept 10 hours or more since 6 weeks. It’s more my new foray into sleep-walking.

Let me backtrack a little. When you get pregnant, you start hearing about all these things you shouldn’t do anymore. No eating sushi, having a glass of wine, skiing etc etc etc. The list doesn’t stop after the baby is here either. One of the biggest parenting no, no’s you hear about with an infant is unsafe sleeping habits … namely sleeping with your baby in your bed.

Now, we moved Lila out of our room to her crib at a month because none of us were sleeping well together. She’s a loud baby. So she hasn’t even been near our bed for four months. Yet this is how pretty much every night goes for me…

2:00 am :

(I sit up in bed half asleep in a panic)

Liz – BABE! The baby is suffocating!!

Luke – (groggy) What? You’re sleeping.

Liz – No I’m not! Get the baby out from the sheets!! (frantically pulling the sheets off the bed)

Luke – (shakes me) Wake up psycho!

Liz – (turns on a light. Looks around confused. Goes back to bed.)

Seriously, I have woken up in a panic that I am suffocating my baby in my bed about four nights a week for months now. It’s always some variation of the same dream … Lila is in bed, I’m hugging her and without realizing it I roll onto her and smother her.

Sometimes I even start to act out the dream in my sleep. Last night for example I woke myself up at 3 am and I was on my knees at the end of the bed frantically trying to get the “baby” (Luke’s foot) out from under the covers. Poor Luke was woken up to his foot getting mauled by his crazy wife in the middle of the night!!

I know SIDS is nothing to joke about, but I can’t stop laughing at what a lunatic I have become with my sleep. Especially since she’s not even in our room! I’m not sure what the deal is, but maybe it’s my brain’s way of releasing the pressure I feel as a new mom?

Either way, I really hope my dreams shift away from me killing my child to something a little more pleasant. And I’m sure Luke would appreciate an end to the middle of the night freakout sessions. I’m just going to chalk this one up to “mommy brain.”

This weekend we drove to the Bay Area to visit my sister’s family. It was so nice to spend some time celebrating Easter around people we love. The weekend was filled with a trip to the farmer’s market, mass at the opera house, an Easter egg hunt at the park and finally a lovely brunch at my sister’s home.

Lila had so much fun being around her big cousin Mabel. She just kept looking at her with such adoration.

Around 3:45 on Sunday it was time to say goodbye and start the four+ hour drive home (depending on how many times we stop for Lila). I wasn’t looking forward to being in the car at all. About ten minutes into the drive, we hit traffic, that slowly turned into complete gridlock. Ugh.

Right about that same time Lila had a big poop, so while the traffic was at a standstill, I jumped into the backseat and changed her diaper right there in my lap. I was wiping her down when I looked out the window and a truck was right next to us, able to see everything going on in our backseat. Thankfully the driver smiled and looked away. We had a good laugh about that one.

With Lila all strapped back in her carseat, I jungle-gym climbed back into the front seat to settle in. We were in gridlock traffic for another hour and a half before we finally started moving. The whole time in traffic Lila was just staring intently at herself in the mirror we set up on the back seat so we can see her in the front mirror. Seriously for about an hour straight every time we looked back, she was just staring at herself with a blank face on. We cracked up every time we looked at her!

About three hours into our drive, I stopped to nurse her. We walked her around outside at a park to get her some fresh air, but all too soon we had to strap her back into her carseat. She didn’t like that AT ALL. Little sweetie was crying and complaining for about ten minutes when I got the idea to put on some children’s music on Pandora.

As soon as Journey’s “Open Arms” lullaby version started playing, girlfriend was ENTHRALLED. The crying stopped immediately. I guess she has a penchant for Journey just like her momma.

For the next 1.5 hours we shuffled through all sorts of baby music and assessed Lila’s preferences. She would smile and listen intently to anything with a xylophone (gag!) or children singing. She would squawk her disapproval for any slow lullaby or anything with an older man singing. We were thoroughly entertained.

That night after 5 1/2 hours on the road, we got home and tucked Lila into bed. I realized that what normally would have been a miserable day stuck in the car drudging through traffic, turned out to be five hours of smiling and laughing all because of our little girl.

I find that these days I can be happy doing the most mundane, even unenjoyable things, just as long as my baby is with me.

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter weekend!

Text from Luke:

“It’s not looking good for me to get on the earlier flight. On standby, but the flight is full. My original flight is delayed 1.5 hours.”

Luke has taken on a new role at his company, which means he is traveling much more than before. It started in January of this year and so far he’s gone to Mexico six times. His travel is not glamorous either. Three flights, customs, a car ride to end up at a gold mine in the heart of Mexico. One time recently the house he stayed in didn’t have heat!

This week was the first time that he’s been gone, I’ve been working full time and Lila has been in childcare during the day. Essentially, my first go-round managing a house, baby and work on my own. I realized this week just how much Luke does to keep our life running!

Cue to this morning. Wake up at 5:30 am to crying baby – feed baby – put baby back down – shower – make coffee and pack lunch – wash baby bottles and pumping gear – pack baby bag – get dressed/makeup – feed baby again – diaper and dress baby – pack up car – take trash to curb – load baby – drive to work – drop baby at daycare – make it to work at 8 …. 10 minutes late.

On a typical day, Luke will usually cover making the coffee, packing my lunch, taking the trash out, changing Lila’s diaper, washing the bottles and such …. okay so basically he does everything while I feed the baby and get myself ready.

I have a massive amount of respect for all you single moms out there.

Beyond the day to day, having Luke gone takes away an element of comfort and relaxation to our home. I have a really hard time sleeping in a big empty house and constantly spook myself with noises. Lila also hasn’t slept as well, waking up at 5 am two days in a row. Probably because I made her sleep in our room so I wouldn’t get so scared!

I also feel really bad for him when he misses things with Lila’s development. Last night she rolled over for the first time and thankfully I was able to capture it on camera so Luke could see. I know not being home for her milestones is really tough on him.

As much as I miss him when he’s away, I know everything Luke does is for me and Lila. To provide for us and secure us a financial future free of worry and stress. We’re lucky he has such a great job and with a company that values family too. Tomorrow for example, he gets to work from home and can spend all day with Lila.

Luke gets home tonight and I cannot wait. I’m going to have a clean house, steak, big kiss from me and snuggles from Lila waiting for him. Just in time too. A new text came through:

“My flight is back on time. I can’t wait to see you both tonight.”

Me either, honey.

This was Lila’s first full week in child care now that Luke’s mom is back home in Indiana. My transition back to work was made SO much easier by having her here to watch Lila for 2.5 weeks. Honestly, if you’re looking for a gift to give a new mom, offer to watch her child that first week back to work. (Thank you Felicia!!)

So we have been agonizing over what to do with Lila while I’m at work. I work 35 minutes away from home and Luke’s commute is 45 minutes the opposite direction. Which means when we have a full day of work, we can go up to 10 hours being apart from her. Man those days hurt.

The two options we were weighing are either daycare by my office or a nanny in our house. Both have their pros and cons. Daycare near work means I could go nurse her over lunch, but then she’d also be in the car a lot and Luke would have no way to pick her up or drop her off if I’m traveling. Plus she’d get much less one-on-one attention and those daycare germs are scary.

A nanny would provide one on one care in a familiar environment, but would nearly break our budget and I’d have no option to see her during the day. We eventually landed on a hybrid of the two. M-W-F with the nanny and Tu-Th at daycare.

This Monday we left her with the nanny and both had tears in our eyes as we said goodbye. Poor Lila looked so confused. Thankfully, her day went well and our nanny sent us a lot of pictures. Lila was ALL smiles when we came home and was a happy girl that evening.

The next day was the first day at daycare. Lila was one of four babies in the baby room and I’m not going to lie, it was a hectic environment. When I went back to nurse her around lunch, the teacher told me she hadn’t slept yet. I guess because of SIDS regulations, she had to sleep out in the main room vs. the quiet room. Well that room had three other crying babies (teething) and music playing, so there was no way Lila was going to get any rest. When I got her at the end of the day, the poor thing looked like a zombie. Soooo tired and it turns out, overfed. They fed her five times vs. three!

I felt horrible for her. She slept the moment we got in the car and didn’t really wake up until 7am the next morning. My mommy instincts were going off. Daycare didn’t seem to be a good option for her. But I felt slightly hysterical for nixing daycare after just one day. I took to Facebook to get some opinions from other moms and what they had to say was so valuable.

- “I would talk to them and give them another chance. 1 bad day doesn’t mean that Lila won’t get used to being a daycare. I think it takes time for babies to adjust to a different environment and schedule. Good luck! Hope it gets better”

- “I don’t have kids yet but I already know we will do a nanny. And I’ve worked at day cares and would still do a nanny. Best of luck figuring one out. And PS: I LOVE reading your blog!”

- “My only advice is to go with your gut, maybe not tonight, because everything about today is so fresh. But, if something feels right or wrong to you, then it likely is.”

- “Liz – we had a similar experience with daycare at first — but after the first week and some growing pains, it got so much better. It has been SO good for Charlotte — she’s socialized, happy and very go-with-the-flow. Give it a week or 2 — and speak up, be picky — even drop in unexpectedly . . . in my experience — it’s worth it.”

- “Liz, if you can afford the nanny, make her stay full time. Lila can stay in her comfort zone with being at home and on her own schedule. With my three girls I found that that is very important in the first year. When they can walk and talk, it is so much easier to find a daycare where they can play with other kids…and they can tell you if they feel unhappy about something. And that is a big plus. I wasn’t always sure about daycare and a couple of things that happened there, but when the kids are happy and have friends and like the place you will be able to accept these things. All the best for you and Lila.”

I have some smart mommy friends, huh?

After sleeping on it, we decided to try another day at daycare – mainly because our nanny wasn’t available and there would only be one other baby on Thursday. I’m glad we did because she had a GREAT day on Thursday. She took all three naps, ate the right amount and I was able to nurse her in person a couple times. We also got some playing in.

Lila’s daycare teacher also took her outside for some fresh air, which I appreciated. That night our happy girl was back and my instincts were at peace.

For now, we are going to give daycare some more time. I feel slightly selfish, but it really helps me cope with being away from her when I have the option to visit two days a week. 10 hours apart from my baby is too much!!

I’ll keep you all posted on what becomes our permanent situation, but for now, a mix between daycare and a nanny seems to work.

Dear Lila,

Believe it or not, you are three months old now. Time has gone very quickly and you’ve kept us entertained the entire time. Here are some things I want to remember about you at this age.

You love kicking your legs up and down and up and down all day long. You get them really high. Daddy marvels at how strong your stomach muscles must be. When we get you in the morning, we are usually treated to your high kicks in your crib.

In the past week you’ve become determined to roll over from your back to your front. You swing those legs up high, twist your little hips and dig your face into the blanket. Sadly your attempts at rolling have been futile thus far, which makes you VERY angry and frustrated. I think it will be any down now though. You are a determined little thing.

You love having your feet played with and whenever your toes come in contact with something, you quickly curl them around whatever it is, like you’re grabbing onto it. It makes us laugh when you “hold” one of our fingers with your toes.

In general, you prefer not having any clothes or socks on. You LOVE getting your diaper changed. Especially when we play with your legs like a bicycle during the process. You can be in the middle of a crying fit and as soon as we take your legs out of your sleeper, you are all smiles.

I think you’re going to be an over-achiever like your mom and dad because for a good month and a half now you’ve been sleeping 9-11 hours straight each night. People who know that I am a new mom ask me if I’m getting any sleep and I always proudly say you are an excellent sleeper.

We’re not sure yet if you like bath time or not. Right now you mostly seem perplexed by it. We gave you a bath last night and you kept dipping your toes in and out of the water stream. And when I poured water on you with a bucket, you followed my movements very intently but never did crack a smile.

Usually you are a pretty independent baby. You don’t like to be fussed with too much and are content to play on your blanket. When you get fussy though, you like to be held. But it must be in a specific way – we have to hold you in an upright position, while standing and moving. The moment we sit down, even if we’re still rocking you, you start squawking. Yet you’re quiet as soon as we stand up. It makes us laugh so hard.

Daddy and I tease each other about who loves you more. The truth is we’re both completely enamored with you. We’re always saying to ourselves that we have the most beautiful, smartest and sweetest baby alive.

You’ve already changed so much in three months and every day you are discovering new things. I can’t wait to see who you will become. Shy, dramatic, thoughtful, funny …. no matter who you end up being, we will love you with all our hearts.

Love,

Mom

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