A Living Record

People ask me sometimes why I decided to blog. Motives to blog are different for everyone. Some do it to build their personal brands in the hopes they get famous & rich. Some do it so they can get sent free stuff by brands. Some do it because they are terrific writers and want to use the blog as a way to eventually write a book.

For me though, it’s simply about having a living record of my life. It’s a way for me to journal my thoughts and feelings so one day I (and my family) can look back and know exactly how I felt during each time of my life. I do it publicly on a blog because without the element of having readers, I doubt I would keep up with it. I also generally love to tell stories and share my experiences with other people.

That being said, I was thinking last night that I haven’t been keeping as good of a record of my thoughts during this very special time as I’d like. So here are some things I want to get down on paper so I remember them in the future:

– People keep asking me if I’m scared to become a mom. I don’t really feel any fear though. I think I’ve just always wanted to be a mother and if anything, I feel like finally I’m going to get to experience what I’ve always dreamed about.

– The one thing I am afraid of with becoming a mom though is loneliness. Isn’t that weird? I’m adding a person into my life and yet I’m worried about feeling lonely. I think it’s more about having this beautiful thing to celebrate, but being far away from the people in my life I want to share it with most.

– I’m not sure if this is hormones, or a normal thing mothers feel, but the other night I was daydreaming before bed about holding Lila in her rocker when she’s a newborn. She was so small and warm. Then I immediately burst into tears because I realized that she would only be that small for such a short time and that moment would be gone. (I’m tearing up now as I type this).

– I’m worried about the amount I am worrying about things. Will I always worry like this?

– I feel an intense amount of pressure to get everything in my life just right. My job, my family, my house, my friends, my health. Maybe it’s because I don’t want anything to distract me from my new role as a mom. Or maybe it’s that I want everything to be perfect for Lila.

– I think I am one of those women who loves being pregnant after-all  I am so proud of my body. I feel beautiful, healthy, vibrant and almost goddess-like (is that a weird way to describe it?).

– I have an overwhelming sense that my life is falling into place exactly as it should. That everything I did up until this point was designed to get here … and that I knew it all along. Where I went to college, where I lived after school, my career, my choice in a husband, my faith, somehow was all designed to bring me to this point.

– I really, really, really want to be a good mom.

Thanks for letting me share my life with you.