A Love/Hate Relationship

I have a confession. Last week I Googled “I hate being pregnant.”

It was in a low moment when I was feeling nauseous, exhausted, emotional and was helplessly watching Luke clean our entire house in preparation for MY friends visiting. I felt like such a waste of space.

Please know that I definitely don’t hate being pregnant. I know how lucky I am and that there are many women who would give their left leg to be in my position. In fact I almost didn’t write this post because I would never want to offend or hurt someone, but then I thought about how guilty I have felt during the past few months, when I was less than excited to be in my current state, and thought perhaps sharing could help other women find some understanding.

Also, I guess I felt a bit unprepared for what being pregnant really is like – especially the first few months. It seems all I ever saw/heard was women showing off their cute bumps, excitedly preparing for baby and gushing about the “joys” of pregnancy. No one ever mentioned the wretched physical and emotional changes you deal with!

So in an effort to be “real” about this whole pregnancy business, I wanted to share my personal loves and hates with the process to date:

I love…

– The moment I told Luke we were going to be parents. It was a very special time I won’t forget.

– Watching my stomach grow. Of course gaining weight is in the back of your head, but seeing my belly start to take shape makes me excited.

– Seeing our baby for the first time on the ultrasound. He/she was waving their arms around and doing flips! My reaction was funny- I couldn’t stop laughing!

– Thinking about baby names. Even before (okay long before) getting pregnant, I’ve daydreamed about baby names. I have a list of about 10 names I like, but have agreed for the sake of Luke’s sanity not to get into it too much until we learn the sex. :)

– Having a good excuse to do more relaxing. I don’t feel guilty at all for saying I need a nap these days!

Now, the things I hate…

– Morning sickness. This is obvious, but I don’t think I really understood what feeling nauseous 24/7 for 3.5 months was like until I lived it.

– Emotional changes. I don’t know if it was just hormones or a combination of being sick/tired all the time, but I definitely felt some depression during those first few months. It’s very confusing to feel sad during a time when you’re supposed to be elated.

– Worrying about the baby. I was already a worrier, but since getting pregnant, it’s gone into overdrive. I worry about everything and how it might harm my baby – nutrition, too many ultrasounds, vitamins etc. It’s exhausting…which leads me to my next hate.

– Exhaustion. Apparently growing a baby is tough work because I literally need about 10 hours of sleep a night and even then I’m exhausted by 3pm. I have to work up a lot of energy to go out and do things like hitting golf balls or going for a walk.

– The physical side effects. These include a lot of things I had no idea happen to a pregnant lady including (might be TMI, you’ve been warned) – acne, truck driver burps, nasal congestion/bloody noses, constipation and/or diarrhea and episodes of your heart racing. Oh and you also have a weakened immune system, so you pick up colds/flu a lot easier – I’m holed up in bed as we speak with a terrible cold.

– Losing Independence. My best friend put it so well the other day when I called her to commiserate – she said, “it’s really hard to rely on other people when you’re used to doing things for yourself.” I’ve already found that I need to rely on Luke a ton and also my colleagues when I was feeling really sick and that makes me feel really guilty and worried someone might start to resent me.

Thankfully I’m past the first trimester and FINALLY am no longer sick (except for this cold) all the time. People have told me the second trimester is much, much better and we have some exciting milestones coming up, like when I should be able to feel the baby kick and also finding out the gender (June 28).

I’d be lying if I said the first trimester was “a joy” but I would say there were many beautiful, wonderful aspects that I’m going to hold on to over the bad stuff. In the end, I know its all worth it and we’ll hopefully have a healthy, happy, beautiful baby at the end of it all.