What Are You Looking At?

Being a tall woman (5’11) I’ve gotten used to the fact that when you are different than the norm, you’ll attract more eyeballs.  However since I’ve started showing a bit, the staring has increased quite a bit.

About five months along, I’m not quite to the point where it’s glaringly obvious I’m pregnant, so instead of getting people who look at my stomach and then smile, I’ve been getting looks with a confused expression. People are desperately trying to figure out what exactly is going on … am I a thin woman who happens to have a big gut or am I pregnant?

The confused-look-staring reached an all time high this weekend when we went to Las Vegas for our friend’s joint bachelor/bachelorette party. We got to the Hard Rock Hotel on Friday at midnight and walking through the casino to our room, I couldn’t help but feel like every eye in the place was on me thinking “why is that pregnant chick here?!”

Luke says it was all in my head, but I quickly resorted to holding my purse in front of my stomach and hunching over in a way that would hopefully remove some of the attention my stomach was commanding. Normally I am not the type of person to shy away from attention (let’s be real, I publicly blog about my life), but I among the throngs of partiers, I felt sorely out of place.

After getting some sleep, I decided to ignore my self-conscious thoughts and put on my newest, cutest pregnancy outfit for brunch and to see the Batman movie in IMAX.

I could handle day-time Vegas. Or so I thought.

After the movie, I met up with everyone at the pool while Luke worked in our room. The pool party at the Hard Rock is no joke and as soon as I walked in wearing my one-piece, rocking the bump, my insecurities resurfaced. I walked through this crowd clutching a towel across my stomach and keeping my eyes down.

I met up with our group as soon as possible! Luckily they are all so sweet and made me feel comfortable. The girls made a point to gush over my “little” bump and the guys gave me props for being “a trooper.” A few hours into hanging with my friends and I was feeling back to my confident self.

Thinking about it now, I feel sort of silly for making such a big deal in my head about being pregnant in Vegas. The weekend wasn’t about me after all … it was about supporting my friends and their upcoming nuptials.

That being said, I don’t think I’ll be heading back to Vegas until this belly is gone and I can blend in at least a little. :)

Baby Girl

Today we found out that we’re having a little girl!

Leading up to our ultrasound, we had a lot of friends and family throwing out their guesses and the overwhelming consensus was boy. Mainly I think based on how I am carrying – all in the front. My best friend also did the old wives tale with the pencil and the string and it clearly said boy every time we did it.

But it turns out all those tales and superstitions were wrong and come November we’ll have a sweet baby girl to add to our little family. She’ll be the third granddaughter for my parents in a year meaning she’ll grow up with two girl cousins right around her age. What fun!

We did our best not to think too much about what the gender of our baby would be before the ultrasound. Mainly we just wanted him or her to be healthy and thankfully she checked out perfectly on the ultrasound.

I will say though, now that I’m letting myself think about having a girl, I can’t stop smiling! I’m already day dreaming about braided pigtails, pink blankets and the sweet hugs from  a little lady. When I told my mom today, she said “boys are great, but I think every mother should get to experience having a girl.”

I couldn’t agree more, mom!

Now that this big milestone in my pregnancy is done, I’m excited to start decorating a nursery, buying some dresses and picking out a name. One thing’s for sure, this baby girl already has her mom and dad totally smitten.

Daydreams of a New Father

There are a lot of moments I am looking forward to when it comes to meeting our baby in November, however, one that has been stuck in my day-dreaming mind lately doesn’t involve me at all.

It is the moment I’ll get to see Luke become a father.

Going into this Father’s Day weekend, I can’t help but think about what kind of dad Luke will be. To be honest, I think he’ll actually be a much better parent than me in many ways. He’s more patient, organized, responsible, even-keeled and maybe most important … can function on MUCH less sleep than I can! :)

I know that really we’ll both be great parents in our own way, but I’m grateful for all the qualities Luke will bring to our parenting dynamic that hopefully will compliment my own.

Anyway, the daydream I keep having about the first moments of Luke’s role as a dad, is in the hospital after the craziness of childbirth has calmed down. I imagine Luke holding our baby while peering into his or her little face. He’s not an overly emotional guy, so I don’t expect any tears or loud exclamations of his love (that will be me most likely), but the shift into fatherhood will be apparent to those who know Luke best.

Knowing what I do about Luke, I imagine him not having a moments hesitation when it comes to holding and caring for our baby. He’ll be confident and curious at the same time – wanting to learn everything he can about our newest addition. Then he’ll jump into his role of provider and attend to all the little things that come with taking care of a newborn and a post-childbirth mom – making sure we’re both healthy and happy.

And most of all, I imagine how I’ll feel watching this man I know as my husband become something even more beautiful … the father of my child. I’m pretty sure this moment will send me into what will likely be the 20th crying jag I’ll have that week. Good tears of course.

For now this is all in my head and it could go much differently, but any way it goes, I can’t wait to witness Luke’s first minutes as a dad.

If you have children, do you remember those first moments your partner became a father? I’m curious what it was like for you.

A Love/Hate Relationship

I have a confession. Last week I Googled “I hate being pregnant.”

It was in a low moment when I was feeling nauseous, exhausted, emotional and was helplessly watching Luke clean our entire house in preparation for MY friends visiting. I felt like such a waste of space.

Please know that I definitely don’t hate being pregnant. I know how lucky I am and that there are many women who would give their left leg to be in my position. In fact I almost didn’t write this post because I would never want to offend or hurt someone, but then I thought about how guilty I have felt during the past few months, when I was less than excited to be in my current state, and thought perhaps sharing could help other women find some understanding.

Also, I guess I felt a bit unprepared for what being pregnant really is like – especially the first few months. It seems all I ever saw/heard was women showing off their cute bumps, excitedly preparing for baby and gushing about the “joys” of pregnancy. No one ever mentioned the wretched physical and emotional changes you deal with!

So in an effort to be “real” about this whole pregnancy business, I wanted to share my personal loves and hates with the process to date:

I love…

– The moment I told Luke we were going to be parents. It was a very special time I won’t forget.

– Watching my stomach grow. Of course gaining weight is in the back of your head, but seeing my belly start to take shape makes me excited.

– Seeing our baby for the first time on the ultrasound. He/she was waving their arms around and doing flips! My reaction was funny- I couldn’t stop laughing!

– Thinking about baby names. Even before (okay long before) getting pregnant, I’ve daydreamed about baby names. I have a list of about 10 names I like, but have agreed for the sake of Luke’s sanity not to get into it too much until we learn the sex. :)

– Having a good excuse to do more relaxing. I don’t feel guilty at all for saying I need a nap these days!

Now, the things I hate…

– Morning sickness. This is obvious, but I don’t think I really understood what feeling nauseous 24/7 for 3.5 months was like until I lived it.

– Emotional changes. I don’t know if it was just hormones or a combination of being sick/tired all the time, but I definitely felt some depression during those first few months. It’s very confusing to feel sad during a time when you’re supposed to be elated.

– Worrying about the baby. I was already a worrier, but since getting pregnant, it’s gone into overdrive. I worry about everything and how it might harm my baby – nutrition, too many ultrasounds, vitamins etc. It’s exhausting…which leads me to my next hate.

– Exhaustion. Apparently growing a baby is tough work because I literally need about 10 hours of sleep a night and even then I’m exhausted by 3pm. I have to work up a lot of energy to go out and do things like hitting golf balls or going for a walk.

– The physical side effects. These include a lot of things I had no idea happen to a pregnant lady including (might be TMI, you’ve been warned) – acne, truck driver burps, nasal congestion/bloody noses, constipation and/or diarrhea and episodes of your heart racing. Oh and you also have a weakened immune system, so you pick up colds/flu a lot easier – I’m holed up in bed as we speak with a terrible cold.

– Losing Independence. My best friend put it so well the other day when I called her to commiserate – she said, “it’s really hard to rely on other people when you’re used to doing things for yourself.” I’ve already found that I need to rely on Luke a ton and also my colleagues when I was feeling really sick and that makes me feel really guilty and worried someone might start to resent me.

Thankfully I’m past the first trimester and FINALLY am no longer sick (except for this cold) all the time. People have told me the second trimester is much, much better and we have some exciting milestones coming up, like when I should be able to feel the baby kick and also finding out the gender (June 28).

I’d be lying if I said the first trimester was “a joy” but I would say there were many beautiful, wonderful aspects that I’m going to hold on to over the bad stuff. In the end, I know its all worth it and we’ll hopefully have a healthy, happy, beautiful baby at the end of it all.