Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night. Seems I just can’t turn my mind off from worry about all that life has thrown at us the past few months.
I think it comes out at night because I have to put my worries aside during the day to be present for Lila. You know the typical “bottle it up until it explodes” approach that never really works any way.
It’s been seven weeks since my miscarriage and while physically I’m healed, my emotions are still lagging behind. Most days I feel good and can think about this loss is logical terms, “It happens to many women,” or “You’ll be pregnant again and it will be fine.”
But at night, the dark part of my mind come out center stage and the anxiety builds in my chest. Thoughts of “what if this happens again, and again?” creep in and I start obsessing. I start searching for stories, articles, studies etc online, which just compounds my worry, and soon enough it’s 2 am and I’m no where near close to sleep.
One particularly bad morning, where after five hours of sleep I snapped at Luke who was only trying to comfort me, I realized that all this worry, anxiety and lack of sleep is doing nothing but making me extremely unhealthy. I’ve gained 10 lbs since my miscarriage (due to stress I think), my mood is up and down all over the place and I feel sluggish all day. It has to stop.
So this week I’ve vowed to start having faith in my body, in my doctors and above all the plan God has for me. I’ve also tried to set myself up for good sleep. Meditation before bed, prayer and occasionally a Tylenol PM have worked so far. It also helps that one big stressor we’ve had … buying a house … is ending today when we close on our dream home! (more on that later)
I know these things just take time and I need to be patient with myself, but it’s hard not to wish my mind would just let it all go and allow me get back to my normal (well-slept) self.