Miss Independent

Do you ever have those moments where you find yourself feeling a certain emotion but can’t pinpoint the cause? This happens a lot to me. And it normally takes some introspection to figure out exactly is going on.

Case in point – one day this week I burst into tears in my car. My mind was cluttered with all sorts of nonsensical worries about the future that A) I can’t control and B) might not even happen.

Anyway, once I dried my tears and scolded myself for being ridiculous, I used the rest of my 35 minute commute to figure out what exactly was causing my distress. And a realization sort of hit me – normally I quell my worrisome mind by talking with Luke.

Except he’s been working late almost every night for three weeks and when he is around he’s been too stressed because of work for me to even think about adding my worries to his mind. I started piecing together our history – Luke used to be a consultant and traveled a lot – and a pattern emerged… every time we are forced to spend time apart, my missing him subconsciously plays out in my emotions. I get anxious, lonely and a little sad.

Half of me feels like a needy, pathetic girl for saying that my happiness is tied to being with Luke, but the other half of me is grateful that I have found the person who is so right for me that when his presence is removed for a bit, it affects me so much.

I used to pride myself on being independent and fulfilled all on my own, but gradually throughout the course of our relationship, it’s become clear that I am the happiest when Luke is by my side. When he’s gone, something just doesn’t feel right.

But of course there will be times that we won’t be able to be together and I’ll have to put my big girl pants on. This next month is going to be even worse than July. I am going to Colorado for two work trips and Luke is going to Mexico for work twice as well. So we’ll be doing our own thing quite a bit.

I guess though, now that I know how us being separated tends to play out in my emotions I can be more aware and recognize that no, I’m not a crazy, emotional, basketcase (ok maybe a little with these pregnancy hormones)… I’m just a girl who misses her man.