Wanting It All

This weekend was a disapointing one. I was set to go home for my godson’s (my best friend’s son) baptism in my hometown of Toledo, Ohio. It was short trip, just Fri night – Mon am, but I was so excited to get just a few days with my family and best friend. I haven’t seen any of them since September.

Unfortunately snow in Chicago caused my flight to be cancelled on Friday and the earliest they could get me into Toledo was 11pm on Saturday night. Since I had to leave Monday, it just wasn’t going to work out. I decided to refund my money on the flight to use for another time when I can stay longer.

Driving away from the airport, I had tears in my eyes. Situations like this, when I am missing something important to the people I love because of distance, makes me feel terribly homesick.

I still haven’t figured out a way to balance the amazing lifestyle we have here in Tahoe with the distance it puts between us and the people we love.

On one hand I imagine us starting a family out here and not having anyone there for first birthdays or baptisms or summer days at the beach. That is so sad to me.

On the other hand I imagine life in Ohio and see jobs we aren’t excited about and a lifestyle that is missing on all the things we love to do like skiing, hiking, being on the lake etc.

I want it all and that is impossible it seems.

When I got home, I found Luke sitting on the couch by the fire. I curled up in his arms and told him about all the worries I was having. He let me talk it through and empathized with how I felt. I appreciated that he didn’t try to “find a solution” but instead just said:

“Babe – there’s just no way to know where life is going to take us right now. But I do know that life is about being happy and we’ll do whatever we need to do to feel that way. So let’s just see what happens and not worry too much about things down the line.”

Then we talked about how I could go home more often to see my family and to make sure I’m able to be there for special moments I don’t want to miss.

I love that just when I’m feeling sad and filled with worry, Luke is able to calm me down and help me see that nothing is permanent or binding. And that together we’ll figure it out.

I feel like having him by my side is going to mean that I will always be able to be happy no matter where we are.

The Grass is Always Greener…

Well Easter has come and gone. I hope you had a wonderful weekend spent with people you love! We had a nice day in Tahoe- went skiing, did some relaxing and ate lots of ham.

I must admit I was feeling a little homesick on Sunday though. Luke’s friend was in town and they were on a mission to ski as much as possible. It was really windy and cold,  so I left the mountian early and ended up spending a bit of time at home alone.

I called some family and friends to see what their Easter plans were. Most of them were attending some sort of get together  – brunch, mass, dinner – with their families. I did my best not to feel bad for myself, but I couldn’t help wishing I was spending the day with them instead of sitting on the couch alone.

I sometimes feel like I have to choose between being close to the people I love or living in a place that lets us create the lifestyle and careers we want. My family lives in Toledo, Ohio, and while it’s a great place to raise a family, it doesn’t exactly have the outdoorsy lifestyle or natural beauty we love in Tahoe. Plus the job market is dismal there.

This dilemma is something I think a lot of other young people face. We’re told we can be/do whatever we want – travel the world, have a great career, live in a big city. As a result, we focus on building our independent lives and achieving our goals, which usually results in taking us away from home.

But giving up our aspirations to move home also doesn’t seem like a viable option. Won’t we be considered failures if we don’t reach for and achieve all the opportunities afforded to us? And in my case, if we don’t settle in a good location, won’t our kids eventually leave us and not come home?

I guess there is a tradeoff that we all eventually have to make. I really have no idea what end of the spectrum we’ll eventually end up on.

For the time being I am just going to focus on living in the moment. The life we lead in Tahoe has made us incredibly happy and right now it feels like where we’re supposed to be.  I’m sure the right path will make itself clear in time.

Do you guys ever grapple between being close to those you love and living the lifestyle you want?