Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night. Seems I just can’t turn my mind off from worry about all that life has thrown at us the past few months.

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I think it comes out at night because I have to put my worries aside during the day to be present for Lila. You know the typical “bottle it up until it explodes” approach that never really works any way.

It’s been seven weeks since my miscarriage and while physically I’m healed, my emotions are still lagging behind. Most days I feel good and can think about this loss is logical terms, “It happens to many women,” or “You’ll be pregnant again and it will be fine.”

But at night, the dark part of my mind come out center stage and the anxiety builds in my chest. Thoughts of “what if this happens again, and again?” creep in and I start obsessing. I start searching for stories, articles, studies etc online, which just compounds my worry, and soon enough it’s 2 am and I’m no where near close to sleep.

One particularly bad morning, where after five hours of sleep I snapped at Luke who was only trying to comfort me, I realized that all this worry, anxiety and lack of sleep is doing nothing but making me extremely unhealthy. I’ve gained 10 lbs since my miscarriage (due to stress I think), my mood is up and down all over the place and I feel sluggish all day. It has to stop.

So this week I’ve vowed to start having faith in my body, in my doctors and above all the plan God has for me. I’ve also tried to set myself up for good sleep. Meditation before bed, prayer and occasionally a Tylenol PM have worked so far. It also helps that one big stressor we’ve had … buying a house … is ending today when we close on our dream home! (more on that later)

I know these things just take time and I need to be patient with myself, but it’s hard not to wish my mind would just let it all go and allow me get back to my normal (well-slept) self.

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Time For a Reset

The “TWO’s” have hit our household and they’ve taken our sweet girl on quite a roller coaster ride.

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It seems one minute she’s up – smiling, giggling, dancing – and the next she’s bawling her eyes out. It hasn’t helped that the dreaded two-year molars have made their first white swollen appearance under her gums as well.

I’m just starting my journey into parenting an almost two-year-old, but already I have one “trick” in my bag. I call it the reset. Here’s a story to illustrate.

Most nights Lila will go to sleep around 7:15 without a peep. We do her bedtime routine, sing Twinkle Twinkle next to her bed and she says “Nigh Nigh!” and falls asleep. Last night was not “most nights.” After being agitated all through her bedtime routine, we put Lila in her crib and said goodnight.

She cried and cried for a bit, so daddy went in to soothe her. More books, one more Twinkle Twinkle, then back to bed. I took a shower and when I got out she was still crying .. this time the pitiful sobbing type of cry. I wrapped my head in a towel, put on my robe and got my little girl out of her bed.

“You’re having a hard time resting your body, huh? Do you need a reset?”

“YEEEEAAAAHHHH!” hiccup hiccup.

I carried my little ball of whimpers out of her room and down to the basement, where we watched 10 minutes of my favorite dancing show “So You Think You Can Dance.” We figured out in that time that Lila was TOO HOT! in her long sleeve footed jammies, so we took them off. She sat still in my lap (!!!!) and watched the dancers move across the screen.

When the commercial came on, I said “okay baby, our reset is over, let’s go back to your room.” I sang her one last Twinkle Twinkle and went to lay her in her bed. And wouldn’t you know it? She looked up and said “thank you!” before burying her head in her mattress.

Ha! I got a thank you from my toddler at bedtime. The power of a reset is strong I guess.

I find myself using this reset tactic often these days. It’s like when things get too overwhelming for her for some reason, we’ll just take a step back and let the pressure of that situation diffuse before trying again.

I’ve realized lately that I too am in a reset period. We are patiently waiting for my hormone levels to return to normal (I still have elevated hcg), so I can get back into a cycle. I cannot run any of the tests I want that will help show if the miscarriage was just normal or caused by an underlying issue until this happens.

At first I felt extremely frustrated by all the waiting I had to do. It’s hard not to feel like you’re “falling behind” the plan you have for your family when you have a miscarriage. It brings up a lot of questions, stress and worry. But after thinking about how well a reset works for Lila when she’s upset, I’ve realized that maybe I should think of this time as my own reset. A space for me to emotionally heal from my miscarriage and get back to feeling healthy again. Looking at this waiting period as a reset, has helped the pressure dissolve.

One of the best parts of being a parent is when these little realizations happen. When you notice that just when you think you’re the one helping your child learn, it ends up they’re teaching you about life right at the same time.


Looking Up

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the many messages, comments and calls I received after my last blog post. It touched my heart to hear from so many of you about your own experiences and stories. Thank YOU for sharing with me. Knowing you’re not alone as you go through something difficult is sometimes the best thing to bring you through.

This past week I feel as though a weight has been lifted and life has gotten back to being good. Scratch that, great. I have so much to be thankful for and this week I really tried to slow down, notice and appreciate the joy in my life. Like…

Little girls who love their daddies.

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Watching your best friend get married to a great guy.

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Wine tasting outside in the summer air.

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Un-rushed mornings at the Zoo.

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No-filter-necessary flowers.

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Getting dolled up and feeling beautiful.

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This week seemed to be filled with many little reminders to enjoy life. I really believe in the signs the universe sends, and this week they all pointed ahead, telling me “things are getting better and the best is yet to come.”

Tough Time

Sorry I’ve been missing here lately. We’ve been going through a tough few weeks. I really try to keep my perspective here on my blog positive and uplifting, so when I’m struggling, I find I end up just being silent. Well I decided last night that didn’t feel authentic and if I want to accomplish anything with my blog, it’s to connect with my readers and show them who I really am.

Last week I had a miscarriage. Man, it feels so weird to even type that.

It was still early in my pregnancy (five weeks), so thankfully I didn’t experience much pain or prolonged physical affects from losing this pregnancy. The emotional side of things has rocked my world a bit more. While I’m sad to have lost this pregnancy, I am more upset about the fact that I feel like I’ve lost my ability to have confidence in my health.

If you remember, I posted awhile ago that I’ve been preparing my body for this pregnancy for many months now. I had my bloodwork tested, addressed nutritional deficiencies I had and honestly felt great going into this pregnancy, so I was shocked when it ended in miscarriage. I felt really embarrassed too, because my confidence going in prompted me to tell a lot of friends and family that I was pregnant, only to have to recant a few days later.

Thankfully, my tribe has rallied to help support me by watching Lila, cooking meals and allowing me to just BE with my feelings about all this. I’ve had some good ugly cries and feel like I’m coming out of my sadness bit by bit.

On the health side, I know I have MTHFR already and I also know this genetic mutation causes repeat miscarriage in many women, so I’m pushing my doctor to be as aggressive as possible to investigate to see if I have any known issues that could cause more miscarriages, like low progesterone, clotting or something else. I know that is could have just been a fluke thing that would’ve happened regardless of MTHFR, but I want to cover my bases so I never have to go through this again.

I’m sorry if my writing about this makes any of you uncomfortable. I know the “norm” is to keep things like miscarriage private, but I realized that just isn’t me. I like to connect with people through shared joys and sorrows, and felt like opening this part of myself up to you.

Thank you for letting me share both my happy times and my sad times with you.