Good Mom Bad Mom

So far motherhood has been a teeter totter between feeling like I’ve got it together to feeling completely inept.

Last week was a good example. We drove four hours to San Francisco to see my parents who were in from Ohio staying with my sister. Lila did great in the car and was a happy, calm baby the whole first day. That night though, I think all the change of routine caught up with her and she was up fussing every 2 hours, which is very rare for her.

The next day I was totally exhausted, but excited for the evening. We were going out to a brazilian steakhouse for my dad’s birthday and it was the first night out without baby. My sister had arranged a great baby sitter from my niece’s daycare and I had pumped and brought along a bottle to leave with her.

About a half hour before the babysitter was to arrive, I took the bottle out of the refrigerator to bring it to room temperature. And it was completely rancid. Apparently there are a lot of rules about storing breast milk that I had no clue about, so when I transported it in the car four hours and then re-cooled it, it turned the milk sour.

I felt like such a loser as a mother. How did I not know this about breastmilk? What was my baby supposed to eat while I was out??

Totally defeated, I told everyone I would just stay home from dinner. But my sister jumped in and put together a game plan that involved a last minute feeding and supplementing with some of her frozen milk. Part of me felt guilty that I had to give her someone else’s milk, but frankly, I needed a night out.

I think Lila can tell when I’m feeling down about my abilities as a mother, because as soon as I feel pretty low, she will have a great few days. Sure enough, when we got back from dinner, the report from the babysitter was that Lila slept like an angel the whole time. And for the next four nights she slept eight hours or more!

It’s so true when people say motherhood is the greatest and hardest thing you’ll ever do. I have never second-guessed myself as much as I have during these first few months of Lila’s life. I’m constantly worrying that I’m doing it all wrong.

Deep down I know I’m doing the best I can and that I’d have to work pretty hard to mess her up too much at this age. I think the stress just comes from the crazy amount of love I feel for her. I love her so much that I want the absolute best for her. I want to give her MY best.

Because she deserves it.

 

Smiles

I’ll be the first to admit that the first 8 weeks of baby girl’s life haven’t always been a ton of fun. Mix near-constant diaper changing, burping, feeding with sleep deprivation, and it’s easy to feel a little run down at times. However, the first treat of parenthood happened just last week … Lila’s first real smile.

She had been giving us some unknowing smirks in her sleep or after passing gas, but nothing concious until last Thursday.

Luke was in Mexico for work all week, so it was just me and Lila. Thursday night I was cooking dinner in the kitchen while Lila sat in her bouncy chair watching me. I was playing the Jackson Five’s ABC and dancing around. Lila’s little eyes followed my moves. I bent down, took her hands and helped her groove to the music when she locked eyes with me and gave me the biggest gummy smile.

This was the real deal. A smile just for me from my little girl. My heart melted immediately and my eyes filled with tears.

Best moment in motherhood so far for sure.

Since then she seems to have “found her smile” so to speak and has been flashing those gums around the clock – after a nap, after eating, while getting her diaper changed.

Our former scowler seems to be one happy little girl.

I’ve had lots of special people smile at me before, but no one has ever made me feel this way. I’m not sure if it’s because I now have some proof that I’m making her happy. Or that I get a glimpse at her little personality. Maybe it’s just that I feel such a special connection when she looks in my eyes and smiles.

Whatever it is, I hope I get to see this beautiful girl smile at me for the rest of my life.

Lila’s First Christmas – Six Week Growth Spurt

The past week has been lovely, wonderful and exhausting all at the same time. We hosted Luke’s family for Christmas and it was soooo nice having them here. His parents and sister flew in from Indiana and his brother already lives here. This Christmas was made even more special because it was the first time Luke’s parents and sister met Lila.

Despite all the craziness of having a newborn, it was important to me to get the house decorated for Christmas. Luke and his brother even went out into the national forest and cut down our Christmas tree (don’t worry, this is allowed in Tahoe).

As part of my pregnancy nesting, I had purchased stockings, ornaments and a tree skirt made out of old coffee bags months in advance. Add in some special ornaments and a new nativity set my mom got us and our house felt so cozy.

To top off the holiday feeling, we were treated to six FEET of snow the week leading up to Christmas. We took several walks out in the neighborhood, threw some snowballs, went sledding and the boys went skiing.

We went to Christmas Eve mass and brought Lila for the first time. It was the children’s mass, which meant kids all dressed up in their holiday best, a cute play and lots of carols. I couldn’t help tear up a little during Silent Night. I looked down at Lila asleep in my arms while singing “sleep in heavenly peace” and felt such happiness. The same happiness I’m sure Mary felt while holding baby Jesus. At the end of mass, the priest called up all the babies who were having their first Christmas, so Lila made her big debut in front of everyone. :)

The next morning we opened presents and just as we were finishing our Christmas day lunch of prime rib, baked apples, brussel sprouts and mint cheesecake, Lila starting fussing. She didn’t stop being upset and suddenly wanted to nurse around the clock. That day, I nursed her in total nine hours! She finally passed out at 3am, only to sleep four hours before she was up crying and rooting again.

After going through her three week growth spurt, I recognized the signs immediately – her six week growth spurt had started with a vengeance. For three days straight our sweet girl was replaced with an inconsolable, hungry little bear. Luckily Luke was home from work and we had eager grandparents here to help rock, soothe, change, burp and comfort her while I focused on keeping my energy and nutrition up to meet her feeding demands.

It’s easy to get really frustrated during these periods and question your abilities as a mother. Am I producing enough milk for her? Why am I not able to soothe her? Is there something wrong with her? But of course, she was just doing what she was supposed to do, build up my milk supply and continue to grow into a healthy little girl.

Just like clockwork, after three days, she calmed down and our sweet girl returned. Yesterday she hardly cried at all, gave us some of her first smiles and slept eight hours through the night without a peep. And I can tell she did her job – my supply has increased a lot.

So while this Christmas was very special in a lot of ways, it was also quite stressful for this first time mom. I am glad we pulled through this last growth spurt and that we had the love and support of Luke’s family. Here’s hoping Lila can keep up this whole sleeping-through-the-night thing and show us more of those gummy smiles.

One Month Old Update

Well we made it to one month!

Honestly there were times I wasn’t sure how I would ever get through those first few weeks. Between recovering from major surgery and learning how to tend to a newborn, this month has had it’s challenges.

Of course it also had many moments of absolute joy!

I feel like I never really understood just how quickly time goes by until I had Lila. Even though it’s only been a month, it seems like the weeks, days, hours and seconds fly by with her. And she’s growing so much – almost 8 lbs from 6 lbs 10 ounces. It’s wonderful to see her grow and heartbreaking at the same time. I want her to be my baby forever!

In an effort to freeze time if only on this blog post, here are some things about Lila in this first month that I wanted to get down on paper so I can remember always.

– Lila likes to fight sleep. Almost like she doesn’t want to miss out on anything. She’ll literally sleep with one eye open and mid yawn yelp out as if saying “NO I will NOT go to sleep!”

– To go along with the photo above, Lila is a big time scowler. Lots of super concerned/angry brow faces all day long. We joke that she is like “wait, THESE are my parents?!!?” lol.

– Despite her best efforts, she is sleeping quite well at night for a four week old. About 4 1/2 hours and then 3 hours each night. It could be worse!

– Lila has a very intense stare. When you have her in your arms, she will lock eyes with you and stare at you. Looking into her eyes is one of my favorite things to do.

– She does NOT like getting her nose suctioned. Unfortunately that’s the only way to get those boogies out so she can breathe! Yesterday, Luke did it to her and she cried so hard her face turned purple (and my heart crumpled).

– I can’t really hold Lila against my chest anymore because she immediately wants to eat, but Luke still can. When she’s fussing a little, he will cuddle her close on his chest and she quiets right away. It melts my heart seeing them snuggled.

– Lila’s left ear sticks out a little. My mom calls it her “potato chip ear.” It’s adorably cute and the doctor said 99% it will lay flat once she grows.

– I am so happy that I am able to breastfeed successfully because it is my most special time spent with Lila. She makes me laugh so hard when she’s eating. First she’ll grunt and open her mouth so wide like “gimme, gimme, gimme.” And while eating she makes little sighs like “ahhh.” and when she is done, she is in the most awesome milk-coma ever. Here’s a video of it.

– Although not super cuddly so far, Lila does like to be held over my shoulder while I pat her back. Whenever I put her there, she sort of shifts around until she’s comfortable and then relaxes her whole body into mine letting out a little sigh.

I can’t believe it’s already been a month and at the same time that it’s ONLY been a month. It seems like she’s been here forever.

I’m so grateful that I get to experience this little life blossom each and every day. We’re constantly learning about her  and all her little quirks. I can’t wait to see what month 2, 3, 4 and so on will bring.